


Don’t do this Cas. I love you, too.

by sleepyeyed



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 08:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27467842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepyeyed/pseuds/sleepyeyed
Summary: Dean is tormented with the fact that he never got to tell Castiel how he truly felt about him.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 36





	Don’t do this Cas. I love you, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little 15x18 coda as I am so impatient to find out what Dean does after his crying fit in the bunker. Takes place right when Dean's phone goes off. Enjoy :)

Dean stares at the wall blankly, at the sheer nothingness in the room. He feels nothing, all he can hear is his breathing. It was so loud in there, how could it be so quiet now? His mind is completely blank, and he can’t even begin to process.

Then his phone starts ringing.

Startled, he looks down at his phone and sees it’s Sam calling, and takes a shaky breath. The moments of the night rushing back towards him, so strong, so hard, so fast. He looks around the room, is reminded that the quiet, the nothingness, it was because Cas was there and then he was gone.

_You are the most loving, selfless human being I will ever know._

_You_ changed _me, Dean._

_I love you._

_Goodbye Dean._

It plays in Dean’s mind on a loop, and he looks around the room, starting to come to his senses. He can’t get up, he can’t move. He holds his head in his hands, and begins to sob.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

He feels it wash over him over and over again, each sob coming out harder, stronger. He hasn’t cried like this in forever. Hell, he thinks the last time he cried like this was when Sam died the very first time. He had been so lost, so broken. This time it felt stronger, more difficult.

At least Sam knew he loved him before he died, and that was different, that was brotherly love. This pain? It was so much worse. 

He thinks of the Empty swallowing Cas whole and his breathing shudders. His phone is still ringing and Dean takes one more deep breath and answers it.

“Hello?” His voice is wrecked, tear thick. He doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care that the world is ending. He doesn’t care about Chuck. Why should he?

_Goodbye Dean._

“Dean?!” Sam shouts, panicked and Dean closes his eyes. “What the hell?! I’ve been calling you for over an hour, what the hell is going on!? Are you and Castiel alright?!”

Dean swallows, and tries to open his mouth to speak. He needs to be strong, he needs to hold on for Sammy, for Jack, for the _world._

 _Goodbye Dean_.

Dean looks over and notices the bloody handprint on his shoulder, and instead of replying to Sam, he lets out another choked sob.

“Dean!?” Sam sounds even more panicked, “Are you guys alright!?”

“Cas…” Dean chokes out. “Sammy… I…” he breathes, barely able to get two words out. He grips the phone tighter, trying to control the shaking in his hands. The room was so _quiet_ all he could hear were the last words Cas would ever speak to him. He could only think about how he never got to tell Cas that he loved him too.

He hates himself for that. But there was so much happening, how was he supposed to process all that information in one moment? They had such little time, and Dean could barely grasp the fact that it was a goodbye.

“Dean, what happened to Cas?” Sam is speaking softer now, trying to sound less panicked, trying to calm down Dean. “Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay Sammy,” he manages to choke out past his tear shut throat. “Cas told me he loved me and then the Empty took him.”

There is silence on the end of the phone, and after a few beats, Sam replies. “What the hell is going on?”

Dean swallows. “Hard to explain Sam, it all happened so damn fast. Billie was after us, she wanted to kill me. Cas locked us in a room with warding, but we both knew that wasn’t gonna stop her,” he breathes, at least he can say this calmly. But immediately, his eyes fill with tears.

“Then Cas… he… he made this deal with the Empty to save Jack, that when he was truly ha… happy it would take him,” Dean chokes out. “And… and then he told me all this sweet shit man. About how I’m not a hateful monster, and that instead I’m powered by love… and then he said he loved me… and the Empty fucking took him, Sam.” He starts to sob again, gripping his hair. He needs to smarten up, control himself. The world was ending.

 _Goodbye Dean_.

Sam is silent, and he can hear his deep breaths. “Dean… Dean, you have to keep it together man, we don’t have time for this.”

“I don’t care Sammy. I don’t care because the Empty took him, and he told me his true happiness was something he knew he couldn’t have and then he told me he loved me and I didn’t say it back Sam!” He screams into the phone. “I didn’t say it back because so much was happening and I couldn’t process that he was saying goodbye to me and now he’s gone Sam. He’s gone and he doesn’t know I love him!”

Sam takes a deep breath. “Jack and I are coming, okay? We’ll be at the bunker, you need to snap out of this Dean. We have a world to save.”

Dean grits his teeth. “I can’t.”

“I’m doing it, and I lost Eileen, you _need to focus_.”

Dean shakes his head. “Cas was my best friend Sam,” he whispers. “He was my best friend, and I think I’ve loved him for at least ten of the eleven damn years we’ve fought together…” his eyes filled with tears. “And at least Eileen knew you loved her.”

“Dean wait…”

Dean hangs up the phone and hangs his head. He presses his palms back into his eyes and he sobs again. His whole world crumbling around him.

_I love you._

_Don’t do this Cas. I love you, too._

Dean ignores the buzzing of his phone and waits for Sam to come. 


End file.
